American Horror Story: Coven 3.01 Review: When Witches Don't Fight, They Burn

Anyone that has yet to watch the season premiere of American Horror Story: Coven, titled ‘Bitchcraft’, then I suggest you do so now. As always, this is not a spoiler free blog. THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS! That includes spoilers from previous seasons, as this is an anthology series. You’ve been warned.

Okay, I have to say I am sorely disappointed in this season premiere. Sure it was better than last season, but last season was terrible, and it in no way touched the series premiere in any way. After all the build up and excitement I felt going into this season, I honestly need to start lowering my expectations with this show. The problem is, the promos are always so great and so creepy, but the show almost always falls flat, and this episode definitely did.

The cinematography was TERRIBLE in this episode – so terrible, all caps was absolutely necessary to express just how bad it was. Honestly, what was the need for so many convex images? That just made it TERRIBLE! And, was it absolutely necessary to keep slanting the camera so I kept feeling like the actors should be sliding around? Whomever shot this episode needs to be fired and kept away from a camera for the rest of their lives, that’s how bad this episode was. It wasn’t artsy, it wasn’t fresh, it wasn’t modern, it was just plain bad. Stay away from the camera Mr. Alfonso Gomez-Rejon, you’re a terrible director.

My other problem with this episode was how much time they focused on Kathy Bates’ character Madame Delphine Lalaurie. Five whole minutes at the beginning of the episode? That’s how you think this season should be introduced to viewers’ eyes? Two minutes, tops, that’s all that was needed, the rest was simply unnecessary.

Another thing, this is called American Horror Story with the subtitle Coven, there should be something scary to the episode. There’s only twelve episodes to a season, don’t go wasting your time away on needless issues. Where’s the great horror from the first season? I miss that. I miss crazy, psychotic Tate, and the Harmon’s. I miss Constance, and I desperately want to know what happened to the devil child. At least last season got tied up, what was necessary about leaving open storylines for the first season? But my point is, this season needs more horror, especially since last season wasn’t scary at all, other than how incredibly scarring it was. By scary, I mean ghosts, and bumps in the night. Stuff most people have nightmares about (I say most because I’m not one of those, I just like those scares). If I’d known there wasn’t going to be anything creepy about this episode, I would’ve left the light on so I could write my notes easier.

And one more thing, those opening titles they weren’t good. At least season two had a creepy title sequence, though not quite as good as the first seasons, but this season nothing. I kept thinking the hooded people were from the KKK, with the pointed hoods. But I suppose they’d rather be dead than caught wearing black. Still, that was distracting. You have more time than a regular full season series to get the ball rolling for twelve episodes of fun, be more creative.

Now in relation to characters. Emma Roberts did surprisingly well in her role as the fallen movie star witch. Both Gabourey Sidibe and Jamie Brewer were good in their respective roles. Jessica Lange wasn’t bad either, but nowhere near as great as she was as Constance. Now, Frances Conroy? I would’ve expected more from her. She felt like she was merely doing an impression, rather than embodying the character she was supposed to be. Lily Rabe was a little blah, compared to her previous two roles in this series, as was Sarah Paulson’s meek Cordelia. Angela Basset was great in her brief role as Marie Laveau, I just hope she’s more affluent in this season. I was expecting more of Evan Peters, I was under the impression he was going to be encompassing a role closer to Tate than last season’s Kit. Although his chemistry with Taissa Farmiga is palpable, he didn’t seem real in the scene on the frat bus. And then there’s Taissa herself. While Violet was a bit of a downer, the realistic perspective she had on life in weird shades was wonderful, as was her relationship with Tate. But she just didn’t seem to have enough of an edge in this episode, and what the hell was up with her killing her boyfriend because she had sex with him? Why would that be a witch’s power?

I desperately hope this season gets better. It’s already better than last season, but last season was awful. The woman in me that always picks favourites desperately wanted Zoe to be the Supreme, but I wonder if she could even be if Fiona is still alive. Still, I hope she somehow turns out to be the next one, though I doubt it will happen.

My one final question before I go is, how in the hell is Lalaurie alive? And why would she go up against Fiona? (So I guess that’s not one question, but they’re along the same lines as each other.) I just find it ridiculous she was seen dying by Marie Laveau’s hand, and then ends up still alive after being dug up. What the hell is that all about? I know Kathy Bates is a good actress (although I much prefer her Southern role in Titanic), but that doesn’t justify illogical prolonged life. But I suppose I should wait for the answer before I complain.

Oh, and really? You use Grey Damon merely so he can rape a witch, she can try and kill all the people who gang raped her (and one innocent victim), and he can be killed by Zoe? He’s a better actor than that, at least use him in a role that counts. I liked him on The Nine Lives of Chloe King… although I loved Alec more.

My rating: 6 out of 10.

Best Lines:

“Like my cousin Amanda, she’s just bulimic.” – Zoe explaining that the witch gene doesn’t hit every female in a family.

“The light hit him just fine.” – Madison explaining how she killed her agent.

“Don’t make me drop a house on you.” – Fiona weakly threatens her daughter, after she’s mentioned she’s tempted to change the locks.

Okay, I’m off to watch The Crazy Ones to get this negativity out of my system. Then I’ll at least get one or two more in.

Revenge 3.01 Review: A Dish Best Served Cold

Anyone that has yet to watch tonight’s season three premiere of Revenge, fittingly titled ‘Fear’, then now would be the time to back away from this review if you hope to watch devoid of spoilers. THIS BLOG MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS! You’ve been warned.

As always, this series premiered with a flash-forward to a climactic event that it will now build up to, that being Emily on a boat in a wedding dress being shot and falling back into the ocean. I will say that I liked how this season opened, with the slow move into boat, although the voice over can be somewhat overdone. Every time I hear Emily VanCamp’s voice, it always sounds like she’s overdoing it just a bit. Like she’s trying to push the suspense of the series with just her words. The voice over isn’t terrible, but work could be done to tone down the intensity that comes across. I think we get that this is a series about revenge, it’s not integral to make that come through with just your voice.

I’m a little confused when it comes to Charlotte. She lost the baby? Then what was the point of her being pregnant in the first place? And does anyone else feel like she got over Declan pretty easily? She was under the belief she loved him last season, but now I don’t really see that. Now she seems all determined to have her half-brother suffer if her mother doesn’t do that to him already, if he doesn’t leave. What is with this seesaw momentum of character development? I’d almost think the writers were bipolar when it comes to Charlotte. Though I do have to say that I like her wardrobe this season, and the bangs. Her hair looks surprisingly good.

Then Ashley’s back, and wanting to blackmail Emily this season, but she eventually gets crossed off Emily’s list of people she needs to take care of. I question how these two women were ever friends in the first place. It’s like nothing but securing a position of power matters for Ashley. I saw that yearning in the beginning of the series, but I don’t see any of that knowledge of past friendship when she interacts with Emily. This character has just seemed to have done a complete one eighty, like the writers had no idea where they were really going with her so they send her away. Although that is how I felt all of last season with everything.

Despite not having much dialogue, I do think Justin Hartley did a phenomenal job as Patrick in this season premiere. The man surprisingly came across as genuinely his character more so than the rest of the actors that have embodied their characters for over two seasons. I’m actually looking forward to seeing this character development, and if he’s any good, and got enough of a story, I sincerely hope he sticks around. Particularly more than Aiden.

Jack seems to be better this season, at least compared to most of last year. My specific note reads ‘This Jack is better than season two Jack, but not better than season one’. I think that’s because his complete lack of interaction with Emily last season and completely throwing himself into things with Amanda was just bad when compared to season one where he was so heavily revolving around Emily for a lot of it. Which is why I so desperately wanted Amanda to not be carrying Jack’s child last season because I enjoyed Emily and Jack’s back and forth romance, and then it’s also completely left out for Aiden in season two, and that just got a whole heck of a lot convoluted and messy. So basically what I’m trying to say is that I’m glad he’s kind of darker, or more emotionally charged this season, from the evidence of this episode. I want Jack to be more included in things.

Okay, I get that the smiles and the tone are fake between Emily and Victoria, but you’d think they’d be better at pretending to like each other more than that scene in Grayson manner with the horrendously fake smiles. If I can pick up that you’re being fake with each other, don’t you think the other woman you’re playing the scene against can pick up on that too? They play their teamwork much better on when they finally (and I say that as a heavy finally) get rid of Ashley, but not at this point in the episode. Also, is Victoria still that desperate to get rid of Emily, when Aiden comes to her door?

All right, I think I’m done. The episode was a solid opening, and I look much more forward to this season than I did last year after the second season’s premiere. I’m desperately glad that the whole Carrion, and Initiative storylines are over and done with. May the creators learn from last year’s mistakes.

My rating: 3 out of 5.

Best Line:

“Amen to that.” – Nolan says to Emily, about her nonchalant comment about forgetting about Carrion and the Initiative.

That’s all for tonight, kids. Check back in tomorrow night for reviews of How I Met Your Mother, Bones, Sleepy Hollow, and The Blacklist.

Once Upon A Time 3.01 Review: Sometimes You Just Need to Believe

All those that have yet to watch the season three premiere of Once Upon A Time, entitled ‘The Heart of the Truest Believer’, that wish to do so devoid of spoilers, then now would be the time to exit the premises. As always, there is a chance that this blog contains spoilers regarding the episode, as well as previous episodes. THIS REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS! You’ve been warned.

So we finally managed to get to Neverland. Can’t say I’m all that excited about it, Peter Pan was never one of my favourite fairy tales. I do have to say though that the young man that plays him in this series provided the best performance of the episode. How is it that a young actor such as himself can do better with the terrible writing this series emits, than actors almost twice his age? Maybe it has something to do with the ability to believe that you are the character in this world, and to be as imaginative as possible. Though that wouldn’t explain just how terrible Henry is played most of the time.

Aside from Pan, the highlights of this episode were any time Emma, Hook, or Neal popped up on screen, but I’m biased when it comes to them because they’re my three favourite characters. I have to say I’m just glad they each had a fair amount of screen time, because that’s not always the case of this series.

One of my problems with this series is that I think that a show that started off as being lead by this one character, should keep her in the loop for most episodes, and not be distracted by all these extra characters that get focused on far too often. This show is very much reminiscent of the structure Lost had by focusing on one character for an episode, and then different ones onward. And I get that the creators of this series were apart of that one, but it becomes tiresome when I’m being sold one thing, and I only get that one thing every so often.

When it comes to CGI efforts, this series is never very good, I can almost always tell when something is fake, and it rather bothers me because it takes me out of the moment. You’d think a series that knew it was going to heavily involve fairy tale characters would know that fantastical scenarios would be involved in that, and would either find good CGI people, or use real things to create it. I can only wonder how difficult it is for the actors.

That leads me to another issue I have with this series, the acting. I do have to give some thought to whether it’s the writing that makes it so bad in this series, but I find a lot of the time that it’s either over-acting, or just horrible people cast as these characters. These people are bringing an imaginative world to life, and it takes a fair amount of vision to actually make that believable to the audience, and I just don’t think that’s coming across sometimes. Sure there are a few gems that seem to be able to act their part, but most of them don’t seem to be able. And these are actors that are very convincing in other roles they’ve played, but I’m just not seeing it here.

That brings me around to the writing. Can this series not get some better writers? Strictly from this episode alone we have these terrible lines for that one Lost Boy, and then the ridiculousness of crying over a poppet. There’s the terrible back and forth between the Evil Queen and Snow White, and then between Prince Charming and Hook. And don’t even get me started on Mulan, Aurora, and Robin Hood. Plus could that toast to Baelfire/Neal have been any more pathetic? I was writing better scripts when I was twelve, and I had a pretty big imagination back then.

Was anyone else beyond happy when Tamara and Greg were killed? I know I screamed ‘Thank God’ when it happened. And boy am I glad Rumplestiltskin did not permanently save Tamara, because that would’ve been like dangling the fruit in front of me, and then ripping it away. Not only were these characters terrible, in both writing and acting, but also they served almost no real purpose. The whole Home Office thing that was just a ruse to get Henry to Neverland was beyond ridiculous. Did the writers just pull that out of their ass? Because honestly, that’s how it felt to me. ‘We’re going to go this way, no wait we’re going to go this way.’ Make up your mind, and stick to it, if you want to go one way, make damned sure there’s the ability to go that way and nothing blocking your path, continuity wise.

In general, this episode was all right, nothing fabulous about it, and nothing last season’s finale didn’t falsely get me excited over. For future episodes, I’d really like more work on the writing, acting, and definitely much more Emma. Oh, and please stop making the Charming’s ridiculously naïve, when Snow was such a bad ass in the Fairytale Land that Was.

My rating: 3 out of 5.

Best Lines:

“I will not be capsized by a fish!” – Charming shouts over the mermaid calling the storm, in a brief line performance that actually struck well with me.

“Actually, I quite fancy you from time to time, when you’re not yelling at me.” – Hook referring to Emma, and did anyone see the brief look that passed over her face when he said this?

Okay buckaroos, that’s all for now, I’m off to go watch Revenge, and then get some more Buffy in before I have to get to sleep so I can actually be aware for work tomorrow, stay tuned for one more review.